You Know What?
I’m gonna make a celebrity death list. Check it out on the sidebar: there’s a death list, with link to fan site.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Bring Me The Head Of Brad Pitt On A Silver Platter!
The anger of the hordes of hundreds of illiterate moviegoers shall be felt this November, when Brad Pitt stars in a movie where he most likely won’t be naked or sexy in any way. I don’t understand why these mega-stars insist on “acting” when they know that the only reason they’re popular in the first place is because they have pretty faces. Honestly, do you know what his first really big role was? It was in True Romance, an otherwise great Tarantino movie that had this going for it: “This Quentin Tarantino scripted film uses the theme of ‘boy meets girl.’ Here, though, boy meets girl, boy kills girl’s pimp, couple takes pimp’s coke, and bad boys chase couple. And Elvis is their Guardian Angel….” (I am liberally quoting IMDB). The pimp in question is Brad Pitt. Now, in this movie, Pitt’s character gets beaten, shot in the balls, and killed. Then his drugs get stolen. This is exactly what I want to happen to the real Brad Pitt, for irrevocably destroying American Cinema and activism forever and ever. Take away his drugs, mansions, and fun toys. Then castrate him. THen make him sign a contract to not ever for the rest of his life (“for, like, eternity”) make movies. Ever. And I want his head.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Midgets and The Rise of Hitler
Many people believe these two things are not correlated. They are all wrong, with the notable exception of dr. H. Nelson Jackson, esq. who in addition to having a serious preexisting mental condition was lied to by both aforementioned groups (midgets and Hitler) in rapid succession in 1943.
BUT:
There is indeed a definite connection that can and should be made between the two. Midgets, as they have for aeons, remain one of the most uniquely fascinating minorities that live amongst the human race. Now: if we can assume, as many people can, that since they are small and have several amusing traits, they are not human, and since they attract such large swaths of international consciousness, they are most surely adept in the use of black magic. Bear with me now. If midgets are indeed international pariahs, then Hitler should have aligned himself against them. However, nobody has heard of Hitler ever speaking out against midgets at any of his rallies, and if I Google “Jewish midgets,” and no actual advocacy groups turn up, what does that mean? It must mean that since Hitler did not discriminate against midgets and I cannot find any records of Jewish midgets besides crude “_____ walks into a bar” jokes, that Hitler obviously was supported by an elite junta of midget geniuses (they all are brooding types), who suitably convinced the German public to go to war against very large odds. Everybody knows that Hitler was short himself, around 5′7″.
Ah, you might say. And yet, Hitler went to war agains the USSR, and thus lost. An evil midget genius would never do something so stupid as that. But there is an explanation for that, too. And the explanation is thus: Stalin, in the entirety of his regime, murdered over one hundred thousand midgets. But that was after the war, you exclaim! There is an obvious answer: if these midgets were powerful enough to use their dark midget arts to enchant an entire nation (Germany), who is to think that they could not foretell the future? These midgets are obviously dark sorcerers, of the highest order, and if you see a midget, you must do one of two things: please it, or destroy it. Remember. They hold the true power. And in that there can be no denying.
BUT:
There is indeed a definite connection that can and should be made between the two. Midgets, as they have for aeons, remain one of the most uniquely fascinating minorities that live amongst the human race. Now: if we can assume, as many people can, that since they are small and have several amusing traits, they are not human, and since they attract such large swaths of international consciousness, they are most surely adept in the use of black magic. Bear with me now. If midgets are indeed international pariahs, then Hitler should have aligned himself against them. However, nobody has heard of Hitler ever speaking out against midgets at any of his rallies, and if I Google “Jewish midgets,” and no actual advocacy groups turn up, what does that mean? It must mean that since Hitler did not discriminate against midgets and I cannot find any records of Jewish midgets besides crude “_____ walks into a bar” jokes, that Hitler obviously was supported by an elite junta of midget geniuses (they all are brooding types), who suitably convinced the German public to go to war against very large odds. Everybody knows that Hitler was short himself, around 5′7″.
Ah, you might say. And yet, Hitler went to war agains the USSR, and thus lost. An evil midget genius would never do something so stupid as that. But there is an explanation for that, too. And the explanation is thus: Stalin, in the entirety of his regime, murdered over one hundred thousand midgets. But that was after the war, you exclaim! There is an obvious answer: if these midgets were powerful enough to use their dark midget arts to enchant an entire nation (Germany), who is to think that they could not foretell the future? These midgets are obviously dark sorcerers, of the highest order, and if you see a midget, you must do one of two things: please it, or destroy it. Remember. They hold the true power. And in that there can be no denying.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
The Civil War (Screw You, Ken Burns)
Once, a long time ago, there was a gallant and noble nation. A republic that stood for every man, and that every man stood for. Sadly, Star Wars is but a myth, and we must live with our own “unique” history.
Firstly: Jefferson Davis was an inbred fool who couldn’t see out of one eye and had an affair with his cousins, especially the ones that were animals.
Secondly: The Confederacy’s main aim was to establish their independance so that they could continue to physically abuse “niggers” with the cotton gin, an invention that a man from the North, ironically, invented. Their plan was that once they had become a seperate nation, they would sell cotton to the British and French, who of course would naturally love to have wholesale cotton at their disposal. All hail king cotton! After all, you can make so many important resources out of cotton. Cotton bullets, cotton muskets, cotton armored boats, cotton cannonballs, cotton horseshoes, cotton coal for those lovely cotton steam engines, and don’t forget the cotton candy for the troops!
Not like the North was much better. After sitting in their ivory towers for several decades and ruling over the poor and simple Southern folk, Northerners were not merely satisfied to just preside over every single major economic center besides New Orleans, whose main claim to fame was the fact that more idiots got drunk and died there single-handedly than in any other Southern town. No, Northerners also had to reject every demand the South made, no matter what, and also elect phony “presidents” (Abraham Lincoln, who didn’t even have a beard before he was elected. What kind of president goes unbearded? Look at Nixon, Clinton, Bush, Reagan. None of them had beards, and their presidencies all ended in failure. Failure is defined as not becoming dictator of the US, by the way). Nevertheless, after the South demanded their Constitutional States’ Rights, Lincoln denied them that, started the bloodiest war in US history, and then assumed the title of Commander-In-Chief before the war ended in the capitulation of the South (inevitably they were all idiots except for Lee), and then demanded that the one thing Southerners had (their slaves) be taken from them.
