El Alamein Eyes
But first, let’s have a story!
Once, when I was very young, I was attacked by a rabid, apparently carnivorous infant.
THERE WE GO THAT WAS EASY
So, perhap a tenuous standard of quality has not been upheld with the utmost of vigor lately. I care not for your “standards” of “length, width, and”- oh, wait. That’s not a genuine set of morals, that’s my spaaaaaaaaaaaam inbox. I find it just hilarious when those little vowely vowels are all stretched out, like cute little kittens in the midmorning sun. The midmorning El Alamein sun! Oh, man… I gotcha there. Yessirree, that was indeed a comeback for the ages, just like… uh… yes. No, not the band, the awkward form of homosexual pornography where two men engage in an activity I’ve heard described as “Mutual masturbation with Nutella ™, performed with the pedal organs.” Then again, that would be wrong. They’re called feet goddamn it, and until my kind are recognized by the U.S. government as a legal tax bracket, we’ll do it where we like, when we like! Why, just the other day, I was getting my friend Bo-Bo off with my big toes in Starbucks, and
I’ve been informed by several authorities that I’m not typing write. Instead of just remedying this by, y’know, deleting the offensive portions, I’m going to have to explain sex to a four-year-old through my blog. Why, you ask? Because otherwise, he’ll keep practicing “nasal intercourse.”
You see, Bobby, sometimes when you love someone very much, you have to hurt them. And sometimes, there’s just no way other to do that than to show them your horrifying body nude, and then rub it all over theirs. Remember, children! This is only a Federal Offense if you do it in the open! Anywhere else, like supermarkets, candy shops, petting zoos- that’s all perfectly legal and fi
