Rocky Mountain Low
I, in my infinite wisdom, have decided to review the first line of John Denver’s “Country Roads.”
My detractors and debtors may claim that this is due to the fact that this is the only line that I can currently recall. However, as usual, they are just jealous of my amazing full head of hair.
That’s no joke there. They are all balding baldesque bald freaks of baldery. On with the review! Or you’ll lose your luxurient, tufty, feathered hair, just like that poor Scott Baio boy before he got cancer from a gay!
“West Virginia, almost heaven…”
These are the alleged lyrics. Alleged because nobody has ever really listened to that slobber-flecked mongoloid’s radio-friendly unit shifter. Or have they? I guess if I’m going to review it, I should pretend I have.
Anyhow. Who in the hell believes Mr. Denver’s ludicrous claim that West Virginia is even somewhat close to heaven? I’ll tell you who. Yokels, simpletons, and people who have never actually been to West Virginia (except for me. I haven’t. that’s how horrible it is there.). In addition, Denver’s unyielding belief in the astral qualities of coal minin’ country is undermined by his own efforts to deify any other rural part of the country where they’ll give him meth for free if he writes a song with its name in the title. Not that I’m casting slanderous aspersions on John Denver’s character. You know why I’m not?
Because I’m not!!!!!
Ha! I bet you expected me to make comments about how he has no character to begin with, the preening rapist.
Okay, he’s not a rapist just because he had unconsenting sex with a 12-year-old. After all, everything’s legal in Honduras!
…in conclusion, you shouldn’t get angry because I hate John Denver’s music and I haven’t listened to it. You should just be thankful the man took your warning, saw that you had a shotgun, and didn’t write a song about your state/stayed away from your daughter. God knows I do.
And I am my own daughter!!!! ASAHAHASLDFKJAGLANG’;ELRJWFLASDG!
