Friday, August 29, 2008

Rocky Mountain Low

I, in my infinite wisdom, have decided to review the first line of John Denver’s “Country Roads.”

My detractors and debtors may claim that this is due to the fact that this is the only line that I can currently recall. However, as usual, they are just jealous of my amazing full head of hair.

That’s no joke there. They are all balding baldesque bald freaks of baldery. On with the review! Or you’ll lose your luxurient, tufty, feathered hair, just like that poor Scott Baio boy before he got cancer from a gay!

“West Virginia, almost heaven…”

These are the alleged lyrics. Alleged because nobody has ever really listened to that slobber-flecked mongoloid’s radio-friendly unit shifter. Or have they? I guess if I’m going to review it, I should pretend I have.

Anyhow. Who in the hell believes Mr. Denver’s ludicrous claim that West Virginia is even somewhat close to heaven? I’ll tell you who. Yokels, simpletons, and people who have never actually been to West Virginia (except for me. I haven’t. that’s how horrible it is there.). In addition, Denver’s unyielding belief in the astral qualities of coal minin’ country is undermined by his own efforts to deify any other rural part of the country where they’ll give him meth for free if he writes a song with its name in the title. Not that I’m casting slanderous aspersions on John Denver’s character. You know why I’m not?

Because I’m not!!!!!

Ha! I bet you expected me to make comments about how he has no character to begin with, the preening rapist.

Okay, he’s not a rapist just because he had unconsenting sex with a 12-year-old. After all, everything’s legal in Honduras!

…in conclusion, you shouldn’t get angry because I hate John Denver’s music and I haven’t listened to it. You should just be thankful the man took your warning, saw that you had a shotgun, and didn’t write a song about your state/stayed away from your daughter. God knows I do.

And I am my own daughter!!!! ASAHAHASLDFKJAGLANG’;ELRJWFLASDG!

Posted by Maurice at 02:30:10 | Permalink | No Comments »

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Horses

So… ladies and cocks-with-faces. It seems to me that you weren’t alienated enough by my LAST album review, which was of course of the charming todger-rock masterpiece If You’re Feeling Sinister, by effeminate-Scotsperson Stuart Murdoch and his lovable band of lesbians and crustaceans.  Perhaps the problem was that you were so alienated by my superior prowess in anecdotal music history, that you were inclined to join me in my ivory tower. The problem: you don’t know shit about making people feel bad about the music they don’t know about.  I mean, seriously - you’re name-dropping the Shins in a world where one out of three people have listened to Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music in its entirety. Garden State sucked. The sooner you stop crying, the sooner you can clean your ejaculate off your laminated Zach Braff photo.


So, for a nominal fee, I - Thorbjorn - will teach you aboot music that will make people pissed off at you - out of jealousy!  This nominal fee, of course, is collected through your taxes, so you might as well listen up, assholes.


Step One.
It’s shit. We all know it. She knows it. But you can’t be a musical dick without listening to Horses, by Patti Smith. So here’s all that stuff you just need to regurgitate to your little friends in case somebody starts talking about her. ABOVE ALL REMEMBER: Nobody really likes Patti Smith, but for some reason everybody agrees that her album is “revolutionary” and “raw” and “for real, [you guys - I haven't gotten laid since nineteen-eighty-three]“.

TRACKS:
1. Gloria - “Jesus died for somebody’s sins, but not mine.” This infamous opening line is the secret code among Patti Smith Pseudo-Fans. What it really means is: “Hey! I listen to Patti Smith!” Most fans, though, prematurely blow it by immediately following the code with the phrase: “That’s from Gloria, by Patti Smith!” Dicks. Anyway, this is a testament to Patti Smith’s inability to write a lasting song of her own, in that this famous tune was already popularized by Van Morrison’s Them in the Sixties. All Patti Smith did to the song is add accelerando, new lyrics, and sing it in an obnoxiously Jewy voice. The first line is all you need to know to be a pretentious dick. In fact, it’s probably better that you don’t know any more.

2. Redondo Beach - There is no legitimate reason to listen to Redondo Beach. Patti Smith just put on a reggae song to show that she’s “down with black people.”

3. Birdland - Believe it or not, I actually like this song. At nine minutes and sixteen seconds, it is the second longest song on the album, and it’s really just a long poem about death. The reason I like this song (and ergo, the reason YOU like this song) is because nobody really knows about it. Memorize it and sing it in your best Patti Smith impression in your English class, and reach out your hands and stare at your teacher when you get to the “WE’RE NOT HUMAAAAANNNNN” part. Guaranteed A.

4. Free Money - This is Patti Smith’s obligatory “Am - G - F - G” song. Everybody has one, and this is hers. Don’t really worry with it. Not many people will respect you for knowing this one, because it could be any other song.

5. Kimberly - “Little sister, the sky is falling! - I don’t mind, I don’t mind!” Really, Patti Smith? Really? Is that really the chorus you chose for this annoying song? Again - don’t bother. This song sucks, and nobody cares about it, so you don’t get credit for knowing it.

6. Break It Up - The lead guitar on this song is done by Television guitarist Tom Verlaine. Tell people this. If they’re pretentious, they will blow you for knowing Television. This is the Patti Smith song that people actually like, but don’t tell anybody. This is because everybody thinks that nobody likes it. Maintain the tradition, and listen to this alone at night.

7. Land - The big one - this is a nine-and-a-half minute exercise in 50s rock-and-roll. It’s about a boy named Johnny who has a knifefight in a school hallway with the Angel of Death. Patti Smith fans know it. You should know it. 

8. Elegie - Really, Patti Smith? You’re going to finish up this “revolutionary” album with a piece of shit like Elegie? True Fact: 73% of people who hear the first 5 seconds of this song will think it’s Torn Curtain by Television. What a bitch. 

So, to conclude: pretty much, all you need to know is Land and Gloria. That will put you in with anybody who has ever heard of Patti Smith. OH WAIT you also need to know Because The Night, cowritten with Bruce Springsteen, and you need to know that she wrote a song called “Rock And Roll Nigger”, but you don’t need to have actually listened to this song. God knows I haven’t.
So until next time, music assholes, this is Thorbjorn, signing off.

Posted by Thorbjorn J. Chinkchong, Esq. at 02:41:48 | Permalink | No Comments »

Saturday, June 7, 2008

“If You’re Feeling Sinister” album review

Welcome to The Daily Fix’s first official album review. Now, those of you who have read album reviews before in sources as illustrious as Spin (or Rolling Stone, if you’re a sheep) already know that the music has to take a backseat to the author. On that topic: those of you who frequently read The Daily Fix won’t recognize me as your usual correspondent, Maurice. That’s because I’m Thorbjorn. ON TO THE MUSIC!

Now, you probably won’t recognize the album I’m reviewing today, “If You’re Feeling Sinister”, by Belle & Sebastian. That’s because it’s a Scottish indie band, and I had to swim to Scotland to get my hands on a copy. And let me tell you - this is some good shit!
Belle & Sebastian is pretty much one guy, Stuart Murdoch. He made the band at some point in the early eighties, naming it after his love of Disney film characters. Murdoch, featured on the cover of this album, claims to have started the “transgendered indie singer” trend by changing his gender to match his woman-voice. Murdoch has claimed the inspiration for most of the songs on this album were inspired by an incident in which he was molested on a bus from Edinburgh to Glasgow by a metalhead on his way to a Danzig concert. According to Wikipedia, the album was released in 1996, but nobody ever listened to it except for me. It’s remarkable how many albums are like that…
Hmmm: what’s next? Sorry folks, I’m reading along with a Rolling Stone review as a template to learn how to write these things. Ah yes - I’m supposed to pick the songs I like the most so you can just limewire this shit instead of buying the album. BEST SONGS:
~ “Seeing Other People” ~ This song, inspired in part by The Thomas Crowne Affair, is a classic tale of teenage bisexuality we all experienced back in grade school. The music is mostly lifted from Bach chorales and transcribed into piano, but Murdoch turns this religious and reverent music into perversity, and boy, damnation has never sounded better! Humming this at work will make feminist secretaries want to fellate you.
~ “Get Me Away From Here I’m Dying” ~ This 5-chord pop masterpiece features guest vocals from Rihanna before the whore copied that chick from The Cranberries. A catchy melody and rhythm section makes this one of those songs that guitar students on college campuses across America like to play on the quad with an acoustic guitar until I punch them. Fun Fact - Bob Dylan has covered this song over a dozen times since he died in 2005 and was replaced with a Robert-zimmermarionette.
~ “Judy And The Dream Of Horses” ~ This is the only cover on the album. Originally done as a free poetry jazz jam by The Doors but never recorded because Bill Graham referred to it as “boring as fuck,” Murdoch has vamped it up with a trumpet part, and a 18-string electric guitar specially made for him by Rickenbacker. The outro syncs up perfectly with The Velvet Underground’s “Heroin,” except for the key and tempo.
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Posted by Thorbjorn J. Chinkchong, Esq. at 03:18:38 | Permalink | Comments (1) »