The Daily Fix

Know sumboddy’s went and poasted themselfs a missage on a bolg poast ov myne. i wood lick make evurrytihng vary kleer and sai thsi: yuo havv evry rite too sai taht. i bileave in feer speacg, eaven iff yoo doant and waunt mee two stoap saing tihngs. aslo, yuo havv unvailed my eevil plaut, too detsory demcorcacy buy makeign funn off tihngs. manny poeple trie two maek huomorus bolgs, taht are facetious (see? i can spell, yet i am intentionally mocking your horrific spelling! I guess the charade can end now, due to the fact that your dehydrated cranial contents have thankfully just comprehended this, since I spelled it out to you. someone’s gotta, since apparently you can’t. spell, that is), but I don’t want to do something as trivial as that! No, instead of making a light-hearted jest that is well-protected and even encouraged as “satire” under the First Amendment, I’d rather insinuate lies to stupid people, thus single-handedly defeating Barack Obama in the Presidential election. And of course I’m a racist! Because I made a ridiculous, fantastical “story” about Barack Obama being an evil, slave-owning white person, and that means I’m a racist against black folks! I sure do hate that Barack Obama negro fellow! Oh, if only he really was white and evil, and owned slaves! Gee golly, that would be great! What? Liberal? Me? Oh heavens no, I hate Barack Obama, simply because he is black!

In addendum, I’m sorry you “don’t agree” with my previous post. Personally, I “don’t agree” with it either.

Do you know why?

BECAUSE I DON’T BELIEVE IT IS TRUE!
MAYBE, JUST MAYBE NOT EVERYONE IS AS STUPID AS YOU! MAYBE PEOPLE, SOMEWHERE, IN SOME MAGICAL LAND, CAN INDEED WRITE THINGS THAT THEY DO NOT BELIEVE IN! HAVE YOU HEARD OF SATIRE? CAN YOU SPELL IT? (I’m sorry, anonymous, I know you can’t spell it. That was rhetorical, and you do not need to go angrily a-postin’ on this one, spelling “satire” at me).

In conclusion, if you do not enjoy humor of this nature, then you deserve to be offended. This is nature’s way of allowing me to discern between dumb people and really, really dumb people. You, sir or madam, are the latter. And I dismiss you as such, the ignorant, filthy dunce you are and were since your mother unwittingly pushed you from betwixt her loins, thus plaguing the Earth with a most singularly foolish and recalcitrant gnome, the likes of which have ne’er been seen before.

You aren’t writing from the White House, are you?

Remember when Bill Clinton won the Democratic nomination, way back when in the 1990s? He danced with Hillary. Remember when Al Gore won the Democratic nomination, way back in 2000? I sure do! He danced with Tipper. John Kerry probably danced with someone when he won the nomination, but I don’t remember because he wasn’t legally elected like those other two fellows.

(Man, remember the Gore presidency? Remember that awesome cabinet he assembled? Remember how he signed the Kyoto protocols, and thwarted that totally evil terrorist plot to blow up the world trade center due to his having intelligence multiple weeks prior to said attacks, and cured cancer by allowing stem cell research, and then after that, he toatlly was on, like, the cover of Wired? Man, that was great. Everybody loved President Gore!)

Anyhow. Now that Barack Obama has assumed the position of “most visible living target in the US,” what dance will he do?

I know! I know! Let’s ask our friend, “Barack Obama’s illegally-acquired African slave!”

“Oh, suh, yessuh! I just be’s a negro minstrel, but I’se be thinkun that Massuh Barack be’s dancun’ like we nigros down in his celluh be dancun’! Yessuh, Massuh Barack kin be col’-hearted an’ use the whip at times, but other times he shucks and jives jus’ like a real nigroo! Which he ain’t! He’s a white devil, like you, Massuh Maurice! He just done and painted hisself, so he could win some Demagogueic Nombleynayshun!”

Well, there we have it.